Rethinking Thanksgiving: A Buddhist Perspective #209

In the United States, this week, many of us are celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday. There are all kinds of challenges that arise for folks during this holiday: conflicts with family, political disagreements, worrying about overeating, and the roots of this holiday in colonial exploitation of Indigenous people.

For this episode, I’m sharing a private talk and meditation I gave last Thanksgiving for our Train a Happy Mind community, where I grappled honestly with all these issues. In it, I work through how we can still enjoy this holiday by using its underlying spirit of generosity and gratitude to expand our hearts and minds to everyone on the planet.

I touch on some sensitive issues in this episode, so please feel free to share your reactions and comments in our Train a Happy Mind community, or on social media.

The problematic side of Thanksgiving

I often lead this meditation on Thanksgiving, I started doing it maybe eight or nine years ago at the Buddhist center.

My 13-year-old daughter, who’s quite sensitive and kind, has been telling me for the last few weeks, “I really don’t like Thanksgiving.” I asked her why, and she said, “Well, it’s just about eating too much.”

This is the U.S. Thanksgiving, for people listening in other countries. You probably know about it, it’s a holiday where we kill something like 250 million turkeys and eat them. There’s also a lot of problematic historical context, especially around how our country was colonized.

We often tell this story of cooperation with Indigenous people, and there really was a lot of generosity from their side. There was so much abundance in this country, and many Indigenous communities freely offered it to the new people who came. But of course, that kindness was deeply betrayed as their resources were taken, resources they didn’t even believe could be owned.

That’s something I think about during land acknowledgements. Most Indigenous populations I know of didn’t believe anyone could own the land. It was something to be shared, something that everyone could benefit from.

So yes, many of us know about these problematic aspects of Thanksgiving. But my daughter was just really straightforward. She said, “It’s just about eating too much.” And I kind of agreed with her. I said, “Yeah, it can feel kind of decadent.”

A broader kind of gathering

What disappoints me is that I like to invite people over for Thanksgiving who aren’t just family. And this is something people might not know about Buddhism (at least in Mahayana Buddhism) which is that focusing only on your family is considered just about as selfish as focusing only on yourself. Of course, it’s more selfish to focus solely on yourself, but even focusing only on the nuclear family can be a kind of narrowness.

In Mahayana Buddhism focusing only on your family is considered just about as selfish as focusing only on yourself.

I actually do like Thanksgiving. I’ve had many that felt really satisfying. When we host at our house, what I really love is inviting people who don’t have a place to go. I’m sure many of you have done that, or been a guest at a Thanksgiving like that. I have too, when I’d just moved to a new place, or gone through a breakup, or was facing some other challenge.

There’s something powerful about inviting friends who are lonely or going through a hard time. This year, I told my daughter, “I’m kind of upset too, because we don’t have Thanksgiving at our house as much anymore.” We have a lot of family around here, so we’re having Thanksgiving at one of their houses. I told my daughter I felt really sad that we couldn’t invite certain people, like this couple who recently moved here and don’t have many friends, or two of my friends who are going through divorces. It really made me sad that we couldn’t include them.

Then I remembered my ex-brother-in-law. I was married once before, this was in Memphis, Tennessee. We were having a small Thanksgiving, just family, at my wife’s mother’s house. Her brother went out, I think just to pick up a few things we needed, maybe coffee or something. When he came back, he brought this homeless guy with him.

I asked, “Who’s that?” And he said, “Oh, this is my buddy. We went to high school together. I see him all the time on the sidewalk, and I decided to bring him for Thanksgiving.”

You can use whatever term you want, homeless is the word I was raised with. Some people say “unhoused,” but that still feels a little awkward to me. Anyway, a person living outside on the street. He brought this guy in, and he smelled so bad. I think you all know that smell of someone who hasn’t had a chance to wash and lives outside. My brother-in-law took him into the bathroom, and he was in there for about an hour. I heard the bathtub running. The guy was totally drunk.

My brother-in-law spent an hour washing him, cleaning him up, giving him new clothes. Thanksgiving was delayed, but eventually he brought him out and we all sat down. The guy was still kind of drunk, but he was really grateful. Honestly, I think it’s the Thanksgiving I remember most clearly.

I was just thinking about it this morning, reflecting on what to say today, and thought, Yeah, that’s the one that stands out. I think when someone does something really kind and generous, especially when it’s hard, it stays with you. Whether you’re the one doing it or just witnessing it.

When someone does something really kind and generous, especially when it’s hard, it stays with you.

Anyway, this meditation today is about ways (whether or not you do something overtly kind and generous) that we can cultivate those qualities in our minds. What we learn through analytical meditation is that there are always ways, mentally at least, to create thoughts of generosity and sharing.

I was telling my wife about the conversation I had with my daughter, and she said, “Yeah, we really can’t do it this year.” We have extra aunts visiting, and everyone wants to sit at one table. My dad really wants that, he wants everyone together. I said, “It’s okay. We don’t have to do this. I just wanted to share my feelings.”

It’s such a healthy way to have a relationship, with anyone, really. You don’t have to act on what the other person is feeling, but just listening and acknowledging it matters.

Universalizing: how to create a mind of sharing and generosity

Today we’re going to talk about how to create a mind of sharing and generosity. It’s a technique we call universalizing. This is a method that transforms every pain and pleasure into a profound meditation. It’s something I’m constantly doing in everyday life. It’s not just a cushion practice, it’s a life practice.

It’s especially useful when you’re stuffing yourself with a delicious meal. You can think, May everybody enjoy a big feast like this, especially those who really need it: people who don’t have food, like in Gaza, Ukraine, Sudan, and so on. But not cynically. I remember, when I was younger, I’d sometimes think things like, “Lucky me, and poor them,” but it wasn’t compassion. It was more like, “Lucky me… and those suckers,” to be blunt. I’m not exactly sure why I felt that way as a kid.

Universalizing also helps with the difficult moments, like arguments with family, the tension that comes up at Thanksgiving. It might be about recent events or old, unresolved stuff. My mom voted for Donald Trump last time. I don’t know if she did this time because she doesn’t talk to me, she has mental illness. I’ll talk about that some other time, that’s a much longer story. But I do understand.

Life’s problems can make us feel sad, angry, or hopeless. But we also remember that life’s joys can come with pain, too. There are five delusions: aversion, attachment, ignorance, and also pride or arrogance, which I shouldn’t leave out, because that’s probably one of the ones I’ve suffered from most. That’s what I was feeling as a kid, that sense of lucky me, those suckers, that’s arrogance, the sense that we somehow deserve what we have more than others.

That arrogance can lead to guilt too, when good things happen and you feel like you don’t deserve them. Whether it’s arrogance or guilt, there are meditations for all of it. Every feeling that arises when good things happen, there are ways to work with those, too. And you can universalize those emotions as well. You can even universalize arrogance. You can even take a moment to reflect, thinking, “Oh, here I am feeling a bit superior to other people. May nobody feel that way.” And you can think of specific people you may have observed who seem more arrogant than you, and wish they weren’t.

Especially certain leaders. I mean, what level of arrogance would lead someone to kill hundreds of thousands of people just to get what they want? That’s the ultimate sense of superiority, believing your life is more important, that it’s acceptable to kill others for your goals.

What level of arrogance would lead someone to kill hundreds of thousands of people just to get what they want? That’s the ultimate sense of superiority, believing your life is more important, and that it’s acceptable to kill others for your goals.

All right, that’s kind of heavy. I’m not sure how I got there on Thanksgiving. But let’s do this meditation together, and then we’ll have time for questions.

Settling into the meditation

Arrange your body in a comfortable position. This is already something to be grateful for. How incredible that we have a safe place to sit and be with a little community like this on a Sunday morning, or Sunday evening if you’re in Europe.

Try to relax all the muscles in your shoulders, your face, your back, your neck. That really helps and enhances your meditation. Slightly tilt your head down. Close your eyes if you like.

The five delusions

And feel this motivation that Yangsi Rinpoche called “contentment and ambition.” A wonderful way to describe practicing a path like this: to totally accept what we are, including our anger, fear, and worry. To recognize that those emotions are natural, and we can accept them without becoming them. We don’t have to become afraid. We can accept the fear in our mind and let it pass. Craving too.

For a lot of us, that mostly shows up when we’re alone in the kitchen. That can be a hard moment. There are other cravings we might experience, but the idea is to accept them. If you can accept that craving as it arises, it’s actually easier to let it go. Sometimes it just disappears on its own. And even if you do act on it, you can accept that too. “Okay, I ate the extra cookie.”

If you can accept that craving as it arises, it’s actually easier to let it go. Sometimes it just disappears on its own.

Then there’s ignorance: forgetting that we are utterly interdependent with everyone else. There’s a level at which you can cultivate happiness and joy in your own life. But at a deeper level, if anyone in the world suffers, we suffer too. Those things can coexist. Remember, your happiness is not separate, and their sadness is not separate. We are totally interdependent with everyone and everything in the world, even in the universe.

That’s where we came from.

And then there’s arrogance: accepting feelings of superiority or inferiority also falls into this category. Feeling higher or lower than others. We can accept that and let it pass.

Then there’s jealousy: the fifth delusion.

Jealousy can be kind of funny when you think about it. You might feel jealous of someone getting something you haven’t even created the causes to get. For example, say you dream of being a writer, and someone you know publishes a well-received book. You feel jealous, but you haven’t even started writing anything: no words on paper, no drafts in the computer.

It’s helpful to see how funny that is. Because to have a book published, you need to create the causes: start writing, revise, get feedback, and so on. That’s how things happen, by creating the causes. It’s still not guaranteed, but that’s the path.

Jealousy arises in our mind, and we can let it pass. There are antidotes to each of these delusions. And this meditation practice works as an antidote to all of them.

Stabilize the mind

So now, let’s focus on the breath for just a minute to stabilize our minds.

Bring your attention to your nostrils as air moves in and out, or to your abdomen rising and falling.

And just like we did with those delusions, whatever comes into your mind, let it pass.

Don’t pull it forward, and don’t push it away. Just gently keep your focus on the breath.

Love and compassion

If you feel a little calmer and more stable after meditating on the breath, wish that everyone could benefit from a practice like this. Or from something similar that brings the same benefit, like exercise, automatic writing, yoga, whatever it might be. That everyone could take care of themselves in this way and make the small effort.

That’s just about all we’re going to do today. We’re learning how to transform any experience, whether pleasant or unpleasant, into a way of increasing our love and compassion.

Remember the beautiful, simple Buddhist definitions. Love is wanting others to be happy. Compassion is wanting others not to suffer.

Love is wanting others to be happy. Compassion is wanting others not to suffer.

For those of us in the United States, as we prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving on Thursday, we can begin training our minds ahead of the holiday. To be our best self, or maybe just a good self. To find a stable state of mind that can stay open and calm through both pleasure and pain.

This technique, called universalizing, helps transform any experience into a cause for deepening our love and compassion. This practice helps when we feel angry, worried, scared, or sad when things go wrong. Not that there’s anything wrong with feeling those emotions. But it helps us process them and transform them into compassion. It also helps when we feel selfish or guilty when things go well, transforming that pleasure into compassion too.

To begin, it’s worth reflecting on the injustices around the founding of this holiday. The injustices done to Indigenous people, who had stable societies in balance with nature for ten thousand years before Europeans arrived, maybe even longer. That number keeps getting pushed back as more evidence is found of early human presence in the Americas.

It’s easy to feel angry or cynical when we think about these injustices. But those feelings, while understandable, can also be delusions. So as anger or guilt arises around this holiday, we can apply the practice of universalizing. When we feel anger, we can wish that no one else feels anger. We can remember the harmful effects of anger, because it is contagious.

Anger often feels like a reasonable signal, it’s telling you something is unfair. And it was unfair. It is unfair. But the exaggerated negativity of anger starts to bleed out. You can’t contain it. It’s like a grenade. You can’t direct it at only one target. It explodes in all directions.

Eventually, that anger turns toward the people closest to you. It’s inevitable. Anger spreads. That’s why it’s dangerous. That’s why it’s harmful. So as feelings of anger or guilt arise around this holiday, we can universalize them. When we feel anger, we can wish that no one else suffers from anger, and that no one else ever oppresses another. We can wish that the injustices of this country’s past are gradually healed and repaired, person to person, and through broader actions by our governments.

Anger spreads. That’s why it’s dangerous.

Even if you feel cynical, you can wish that no one else feels that way. That we, and others, are empowered to do what we can through individual actions. Because real change ultimately comes from individual people making small, daily decisions about how they treat others. And we can be agents of change.

I think back to this book I read with my daughter about Gandhi. He was quite an ordinary person. He was on a train in South Africa, and he was subjected to racist treatment. He was forced to sit in a certain place and felt humiliated. Somehow, that experience woke something up in him. And this person, who had been very ordinary, became someone who transformed the world in his time. And he still inspires almost every nonviolent movement on the planet today.

So yes, change comes from individual people like him, making small day-to-day decisions in how they treat others. And we can be agents of change too.

Universalizing Thanksgiving

Let’s do this universalizing practice around the things we enjoy on Thanksgiving. If you’re in a country that doesn’t celebrate it, I’m sure there are other feasts around this time you can think of.

Imagine yourself enjoying a delicious Thanksgiving dinner. Then think: there are billions of people on Earth who are hungry today. People who don’t have this meal, who could desperately use it far more than I need it right now.

There’s no need to feel guilty.

Instead, try to feel grateful: for being safe, for being with loved ones, for having plenty of food. In a country that is celebrating abundance, a holiday, however flawed, that is meant to give thanks for our privilege and our affluence. And as you imagine eating the dinner, you can think:

As I enjoy this delicious meal, may all beings have food.

May everyone who is starving find sustenance.

May everyone who is too poor to have a safe, clean home receive one.

If you’re with family, you can think:

May those who are lonely have friends and family gathered together, just like I do.

Even these simple thoughts might make you feel good in a very healthy and deeply satisfied way. Settle into that image. See yourself enjoying the meal, surrounded by others, without guilt. Imagine all beings on the planet enjoying such a meal: being fed, cared for, housed, safe and secure on Thanksgiving.

See if you can stay in this visualization for a little while. Try to picture in detail specific people who need food, who need shelter, who are separated from family and friends.

You can bring to mind images from the Middle East, from Eastern Europe, or just from your own neighborhood. I know that very close to our house, the sidewalks are filled with tents. People who are homeless, sometimes hungry, sometimes lonely, and certainly in need.

Try not to let your feelings turn to guilt. Let the visualization open your heart. Wish and imagine that all beings could have your good fortune. Let this fill you with warmth and a commitment to open-hearted compassion. Wish that, however small, your actions may become part of helping others.

Now let’s consider when things go wrong.

Imagine you’re in a conversation with family or friends at Thanksgiving, and something difficult comes up. Some unpleasant behavior. Old memories get stirred up. Arguments start about politics, religion, past fights, or the identity and values of your friends.

Let a situation like that come to mind vividly. If you have a memory or imagination of something like this, bring it up now.

If it makes you feel angry or sad or defensive, that’s okay. See those feelings arise. But try to watch them with a little distance. Label them as anger, fear, sadness, resentment. Try not to let those feelings take hold of your mind. Don’t let them turn into a self-pitying story or a self-justifying one.

Now, within the context of this difficult situation you’re imagining, bring to mind all the beings in the world.

All around you, millions of people are having similarly difficult conversations. There are conflicts happening right now too. Think to yourself:

By my having this argument right now, may all the millions of people also fighting stop.

May no one else have conflict at Thanksgiving dinner or anywhere else.

May everyone have peaceful, harmonious, connecting conversations.

Try to realize that people speak and act because of causes and conditions. Not to deliberately harm, but due to the power of their thoughts, feelings, and delusions.

Try to realize that people speak and act because of causes and conditions. Not to deliberately harm, but due to the power of their thoughts, feelings, and delusions.

May all beings be able to accept, to let go, and to promote harmony, even in the face of attack.

Then bring to mind people facing more severe arguments. People in prison, fighting with other inmates or with guards. People in wars, feeling fear and hatred toward the other side. Soldiers right now. In my meditations, I often add the phrase “right now” to make it feel more immediate. Soldiers right now are patrolling deserts, tunnels, trenches, forests. Planes and drones are flying all over the world in conflict.

These things are happening right now.

Then think:

By weathering my small conflict with grace, may all the world’s conflicts end peacefully.

Really imagine this happening. That your forbearance, your open heart, and your expanding mind become a cause for greater peace in the world. Notice how this way of thinking softens your pain. See how it makes it easier to understand the other person’s point of view. How it helps you avoid escalating the argument. How it helps you loosen the grip on your own position.

Notice how, through this process, your heart opens.

Now, before we come out of the meditation, imagine that you’re able to take this technique with you today, through the rest of your day if it’s still early, or through tomorrow if it’s already late.

Picture yourself using the small pleasures and successes of the day. Maybe it’s a meal, or tucking into a cozy bed, or taking a warm shower. Whatever it is, picture it and offer those joys to all beings.

Also, see if you can transform your setbacks and conflicts. Use them as fuel to expand your heart with compassion for those suffering the same or worse, all over the world.

See what that does to your heart, your compassion, and your patience, if you’re able to universalize throughout the day.

Then you can come out of the meditation.

Thank you.

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